Degenerate Sports Fan - Sample Citation

A sample citation and appeal - names redacted to protect the innocent:


Letter #1_______________________________________
-----Original Message-----
From: Jorge Costales
Sent: Friday, September 29, 2006 5:52 PM
Subject: DSF Citation

Dear xxx:

We regret to inform you that you have been issued a Degenerate Sports Fan Citation.

By scheduling a party for your son during a University of Miami home football game you have shown a callous disregard for the well being of those whose life revolves around meaningless sporting events. I doubt this would have occurred if the Canes had a winning record – forgive me, normally I don't point fingers, except for the giant styrofoam ones. You are of course free to appeal this Citation directly to the xxx2 noting any extenuating circumstances - i.e. late schedule announcements (weak!). But given the performance of his team [St Louis Cardinals] recently, success appears as likely as an Islamic Jihadist Gay Day Parade.

See you Saturday – If you are a Satellite subscriber, please have an antenna enabled television available in case of inclement weather.

Jorge



Letter #2________________________________________
From: xxx
Subject: RE: DSF Citation

Dear Jorge:

I am very upset that I have been issued a Degenerate Sports Fan Violation for irresponsibly scheduling a party during a UM football game. If sustained, it will mean an end to my perfect record of never having received a DSFV - a feat I share with few.

It hasn’t been easy over the years. I, like any other degenerate sports fan, have always scheduled family events (baptisms, wedding, funerals) around any event that has a point spread. I am proud to say that until my son’s b-day party I have never put myself or my friends in a game day predicament- except missing the ’88 UM-UCLA game on my honeymoon (but I didn’t drag down anybody with me).

Although my wife pulled a fast one on me by the timing of this party, I was relieved to see that my friends were not affected by it. You, an experienced degenerate, ignored the invitation. xxx2, also well seasoned, enjoyed the game but showed some weakness by attending the party after the game. xxx3, on the other hand, had to work some magic. He could not avoid xxx3’s wrath so he smoothly convinced her to drop off their daughter and head to a nice restaurant for a romantic dinner - Duffy’s next to a big screen (classic DSF 101).

Based on my record and the fact that no harm was done I ask that the citation be rescinded.



Letter #3________________________________________
From: Jorge Costales
Subject: RE: DSF Citation

Dear xxx:

First I admire the skill of your response – immediately I am on the defensive – please be advised that I most certainly did not ignore the invitation; like xxx2 my intentions were to come by after the game – except my youngest offspring fell asleep – apparently shuttling off to watch the 2nd half of the UM game after a pool party was too tiring; Kids! what are ya gonna do? – so I begin with an apology for the lack of even a drive-by appearance

Your defense highlights why the Citation was such a difficult decision to begin with. Your seemingly flawless track record; your good-natured willingness to hear oh-so-slightly differing variations of the same Miami Senior High lore from myself or xxx2 in the most inappropriate of circumstances; volunteer coaching background; kids ‘empapado’ in sports. I just didn’t see it coming, which is why it probably hurt so much.

I want to rescind. But what kind of a message does that send to the aforementioned kids?

A proposed solution – una escuelita – fortunately one is being offered the weekend of Nov 17th at Casa Manresa – only requirement is to wear a white rose polo shirt to Mass and harass your friends about non-sports related subjects.

Jorge

ps - I’m involved in planning another wedding for next summer – contingent parameters include, but are not limited to; MLB All-Star weekend, Tour de France, Zo’s Summer Grove, Heat Summer Camp & Disney blackout weekends. The one problem is with Marlin home dates which are released late, but I am in contact with MLB as we speak.